Year 14 of grief…that’s a lot of time and energy, a countless amount of tears, many sleepless nights and tremendous heartache to this day. When does grief end?

I have experienced grief is often like a maze, full of twists and turns, and hard to find the end. You will run into dead ends, turn a corner, make some headway, and then hit another dead end.

The love we feel doesn’t end with the death of our loved one. The boundaries of life and death don’t affect our feelings of love. It isn’t a switch that can be turned off, just like that. The love I have for Parker and Haley will always be present no matter how much time has gone by.

As believers, we know that a much better day is coming when God himself will wipe every tear from our eyes. On that day “He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.” Revelation‬ ‭21‬:‭4‬

So, today I pour out my heart to the Lord and tell Him all that grieves me. I ask Him for His healing touch and the ability to look at my pain with the right perspective. In addition to looking to God and His Word for comfort and perspective, we should share our pain with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Fellow believers have the ability to “mourn with those who mourn” (Romans 12:15). When we share our stories with God and others, our grief is weakened. Jesus says to us, “Place who you are and all that you have in My hands. Your broken life. Your story. Your fragility and failure, your pain and distress. Put it in My hands. You’ll be astonished what I can do with it.”

After 14 years…I’m still trusting God with my grief and my story. I’m placing everything in His hands. He is still teaching me new things each year, each month, each day. He is still showing me how to love my family and others just as Jesus would love them. He is still healing my hurt each year. He is, and always will, be there for me and I’m forever grateful for that promise.

The road map of grief will never end this side of heaven. I know many others who deal with grief in their life and we all handle and process it in different ways. If you are one of those who has to deal with grief and the loss of a loved one, invite God to be a part of your journey. I have and He is the only reason I’m able to navigate all of the emotions that come with grief. “All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort.” 2 Corinthians‬ ‭1‬:‭3‬ ‭

I’ll end by sharing a few photos of Parker and Haley. They were God’s before they were mine but that doesn’t change how much I truly do miss them.

Until next time…

Dear Parker,

I can’t believe this would be your 19th birthday…

I often wonder what things would be like if you were still here with us…how would you be with your younger siblings (Haley, Ellington and Emerson)…you would be finishing up your second semester of college…what lucky young lady would have you as their boyfriend…

There are so many more things I wish I had the opportunity to experience with you as your dad…I feel a part of me will always have those moments of wonder. I miss hearing your voice…I miss your smell…I miss your hugs and kisses…
But I know you are safe in the arms of Jesus. I know you are home…

This day 19 years ago, you made me a dad. I will never forget that moment of holding you in my arms for the first time. I couldn’t stop smiling. Mommy couldn’t stop smiling either. It was overwhelming joy to see you. Your mommy and I were honored and blessed to be your parents. Other than our wedding day, your birth was the happiest day of our life.

I wanted to share a few videos from your childhood…we have so many great videos of you and your sister, Haley. Our course our family gets to enjoy them but I wanted to share them with others so they could see and know the Parker we love. Many have most likely seen these at some point but here they are again.

Parker coming home from the hospital:

https://vimeo.com/688688613

Parker 1st birthday day:

https://vimeo.com/688693312

July 2007 at beach:

https://vimeo.com/688691084

August 2007 playing in blanket:

https://vimeo.com/688688401

I wish you were here to watch these videos with me. We would be laughing so much at your silliness. Your friends would be enjoying these home videos as well.

I want you to know there is and will always be a missing space in our lives, our family, a forever hole in our hearts…and that time does not make the space less empty.

The Lord had a specific purpose for your life here on earth…and even though it was for only 5 years and approximately 3 month, it has impacted the Kingdom in a mighty way. There are countless number of people who have heard about Jesus and the joy, hope, comfort and peace that comes from only Him. Even though I can’t fully understand why your life was shorter than others, I know that your life was just as valuable in the eyes of God. You have made an eternal impact.

I miss you son…I will grieve for a lifetime…there is no “moving on” or “getting over it”. I wish people could understand that grief lasts forever because love lasts forever.

Being your dad is the best gift I’ve ever been given. Even death can’t take that away.
I will carry you in my heart until the day God takes me home. And on that day, I’ll see you again, I will rejoice that you are gloriously happy in heaven and that God fulfilled His purpose for your life.

I love you son…

Always will…

Happy 19th birthday…

…For those of you who have made it this far in the journal, thanks for reading and caring. The last few weeks I have been worshipping to this new song called “To be with the Lord” by Mitch Wong. It’s beautiful. Click the link above to listen. The lyrics of this worship song really hit home as I sing them…from “I’m thankful, I never have to wonder cause I know where you went”, to “I miss you and waiting isn’t easy, feels like eternity”, to “save a space for me in eternity”.

Tears stream down my face as I listen to this song and write this journal for my son, Parker. Almost 14 years without him and it feels like just yesterday.

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. – Psalm 34:18

Not only is God a safe place for us to bring our feelings of confusion, hurt, and anger while we grieve, but this Psalm reminds us that God is near to those who are brokenhearted.

Please join our family in prayer as we continue to grieve the loss of our precious son, Parker.

Until next time,

Daddy Hewitt

Class of 2021 senior, Carter! It’s been a blessing having her as a CHP REP the last 2 years.